10 Secrets to a Successful Marriage

My beautiful sister Cindy is getting married May 1st to an awesome guy. All of these thoughts about weddings and marriage got me thinking about the lessons I've learned or seen other people learn in the past 4 years. Luckily, I married a very patient man who has been understanding of the mistakes I make. But I thought, "Wouldn't it have been nice if I was humble enough to have learned from others instead of attempting to be a good wife through trial and error?" I'm sure most of you already have an internal list of how to make a good marriage, but I thought I would share mine:

1. Don't emotionally shut down during problems. Sometimes it's our natural tendency because we use it as a defense mechanism, but it is really hard for husbands to see and basically impossible to solve problems. When I feel like shutting down because I am unable to organize my thoughts, I tell Adam that I need a few minutes. I make sure to think about key points to how I'm feeling and then talk to him when I'm ready.
2. Understand that your spouse will likely not have bad intentions. There were things that bugged me about Adam, and I would criticize him for them. I finally realized that he is a good person who never (and I mean never) is malicious. He sometimes reminds me "I'm not a bad person, I just do bad things." This helps me be more patient when he can't read my mind.
3. Try to speak as positively as you can to your spouse. Our culture is often sarcastic and mean. This affects the way we eventually see people. This will eat away at your marriage. Make your jokes and teasings light and try not to manifest underlying frustrations.
4. When solving problems attack the problem and not the other person. Realize that we all make mistakes. Your spouse shouldn't expect you to be perfect and you shouldn't expect him to be. Try using "I-messages." (I feel upset when you don't pick up your clothes because then I have extra work.)
5. Spend time together. I can't tell you how many couples say that they are too busy to go out to eat or on a date. Make your relationship a priority. Odds are, if you're that busy, then taking one hour off isn't going to make it or break it.
6. Choose your battles. If you want to, you can find things to argue about. Choose the things that have a solution and are really important to you. We can't micromanage our spouses.
7. When arguing, speak in a soft tone. Our natural tendency is to yell back when someone is yelling. The fastest way to calm a person down is by speaking calmly to that person.
8. Be the first to say "I'm sorry," even if you don't really mean it yet. You'll eventually mean it. The spirit can start to soften our hearts when we humble ourselves enough to apologize.
9. Don't share all of your problems with the world. Your spouse should be your best friend. You can vent to someone occasionally and ask for advice, but make it a habit to try to resolve things just the two of you.
10. Know that no matter what, you are marrying the right person the right way. Times will not always be easy and you may look back and wonder, "what if," but it doesn't matter because in the end you are with the person you're meant to be with. Make it work. Believe me, it's so worth it.